A Sparrow's Manifesto

Other day.

2009-04-22T02:05:00.000-07:00

If it wasn't so wet out, I'd walk to the cattle. Nothing seems more appealing than watching them grazing, cloven hooves sunk in the mud, rooted to the earth in ways I will never know.

It is too wet to see the cattle today. It's a pretty good walk, through fields that I couldn't pull off at the moment. It's funny that I was unaware of their presence for so long, but now that I know they're there the walk seems to be a pleasing idea.

It is too wet. Instead I am watching puddles in concrete, symphonies of ripples from every insignificant invading force. Rainy days don't always strike me as depressing; I think of them as rather optimistic. There are some people--and I am one of them at the moment--whose eyes are always fixated on the ground. They don't really see the sun, only signs of it from the shadows cast. On rainy days, once can see the sun and dappled sky on the ground. Puddles are pleasant little reminders of what shoegazers miss on dry days.

This rain isn't for me. It isn't to remind me to see the sun and it isn't commiserating. Nature isn't doing this for me, she does her own thing. We're taught to be considerate, but many talk about their greatest moment of liberation as being when they finally stopped worrying about others and acted for themselves. I have things to learn, and even in this mood I am feeling a comfort I haven't allowed myself to feel in weeks. It is the quiet presence of God in the flash of crows wings and the rhythm of raindrops.

Note to self:

2009-04-20T00:42:00.000-07:00

http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog/Relationships/MapofRelationships/_archives/2006/1/31/1738306.html

I'll start writing again someday. I've been meaning to. Things have changed, but the most important things have stayed the same.

Again

2008-12-13T21:49:00.001-08:00

I'm struggling.

Prayer

2008-12-08T16:00:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot to say to God lately, and I have a tendency to ignore it all until I feel I'm a safe place, a place where I can pray. I've been meaning to thank Him, I've been meaning to ask him for more opportunities to test my fledgling faith, I've been meaning to ask him for hints about how I need to go about things, I've been meaning to ask him to bless and guide those around me.

That said, I have issues with prayer.

When I pray, I pray just as my dad did, just as the little old ladies at church do, just as they do in movies. I kneel down and fold my hands together and talk to God, often aloud, occasionally getting a little emotional.

I've noticed that as soon as I kneel, I feel uneasy. I feel nervous.

I feel nervous talking to God that knows everything already.

I prayed today. And after I stood up, I felt I had more to say. I kept talking, but when I said these things standing, I wasn't nervous and it didn't feel as contrived. It was easier. The words came quickly and fluidly.

I'd always knelt because I felt it was "the thing to do." But God knows everything already. I don't even have to say things aloud for Him to hear them. As I stood up, and found more words to say to Him, I realized that I don't stop praying. I don't think anyone really stops praying.

Said it better than I could.

2008-11-29T19:42:00.000-08:00

What my 3,000-pound steer has taught me about faith, by Jon Katz at Slate.com.

It's funny, I don't get the feeling with the cats. They seem just as self aware as we do sometimes. The horses, though, are a different story. They're a lot closer to the divine than I will ever be.

Been a while.

2008-11-22T17:30:00.001-08:00

I don't feel I've been out at the barn consistently.

On Monday, I rode Lexi. The entire time, I thought she was going to explode. I shied away from cantering her because she seems to have taken a step back, in my opinion. I figure this is only natural; she's allowed to get worse before she gets better. To the right, her balance is lovely. To the left, we're working on it.

Tuesday, her young owner rode her in a lesson. The girl is six or seven, and she watched me lunge Lexi as I tried to explain leads to her. Once Lexi had her leads right, the girl got on and we walked around. At first, I had Lexi on the line still, walking close to her. Eventually I unclipped them and just walked beside them. Finally, I had the girl go off on her own, doing little circles and going over polls. They did really well; I just have to keep reminding the girl to be quiet and make her movements slow. The girl was disappointed with just walking (she really likes speed), but I explained to her that she was now part of the Lexi Training Team, and Lex needed work on her walk. Her next lesson is on the second, and I'm thinking I'll let them do a little trot on the line.

I've been getting kind of worn out on the horses. I don't see them in my future and I feel like there are other things I need to be thinking about lately. I had a really nice ride on Bloom on Thursday that kind of sparked things again. We fought, like usual, but I'm quickly learning how to handle her. We're still in the round pen, she's in a snaffle with a de gogue, but we may try her in a western style curb. I don't know if that's necessary; the ride on Thursday was excellent. I hope to be comfortably controlling her at walk, trot, and canter before going back to the big arena. I feel like one wrong ride in the big arena could shatter the confidence I've been fighting for.

My trainer's gone this week so I'll be looking after some horses myself. Xeta and Kirby are my responsibility, along with my little projects, Bloom and Lexi. I'm hoping to get some riding time in, as riding with my instructor always turns into a lesson, and lessons can stress me out. Lexi definitely needs more time under saddle, and this week would be an excellent time to get reacquianted with her.

Still.

2008-11-16T23:04:00.000-08:00

Although it feels like a descent, I refuse to think of it that way. I have mentioned that things that were important six months ago now seem trivial, and what would have been outrageous six months ago now feels very real.

I know what's important now. A few months ago, I would have laughed if I had ever thought I would someday experience this massive shift.

God has become important.

And, to me, that presents a whole new set of problems.

There's a special providence in the fall of a sparrow.

2008-11-13T15:45:00.000-08:00

That line, from Act V of Shakespeare's Hamlet, has been in my head ever since I read it. It's a reference to Matthew 10:29 (and the lowliness of sparrows is again mentioned in Luke 12:6) and I liked the message behind it so much that I immediately began sketches of a potential sparrow tattoo to remind me that no matter how insignificant I may feel, there is someone out there who cares. I'm slowly getting to the point where I can see that someone as God.

I've been looking for a new name for this for a while now, and now that I've decided on "A Sparrow's Manifesto," it seems obvious. Manifestos are usually issued by people in positions of power, or people with some kind of authority. I enjoy the irony of a sparrow's manifesto; sparrows essentially being the rats of the sky, the peasant of the bird kingdom. I frequently lapse into doubt about myself--my appearance, my skills, my beliefs, my importance--and so I identify with the lowly sparrow.

And I'm still sketching sparrows, but they've taken on a whole new significance lately.

There is no straight line.

2008-11-11T20:12:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been reading about religion for weeks straight. I know it hasn't been that intense, but it's been difficult. I think it's difficult anytime you're trying to open your mind to new possibilities. I called myself an atheist and ignored God for such a long time, and sometimes as I'm reading or learning something new about Christianity, I think, "Who are you kidding, really?"

My inner pessimist continually challenges every religious thought to enter my head. I think it can be best compared to a cuckoo chick shoving baby warblers from their nest before they can learn to fly and live on their own. This cuckoo chick is an absolute monster.

I have to keep reminding myself that when I was younger, before I'd been burned by churches, before I lost respect for the only openly religious person in my family, before I'd learned about all of the horrible things that have been done in the name of "god," I believed in God without doubt. This atheistic cuckoo is an invasive species; not native to me.

The itinerary has changed.

2008-11-10T17:50:00.000-08:00

The more I explore faith and religion, the more I want it in my life, all of the time. I have a tendency to get into moods where I become obsessed with one subject and I never tire of hearing about it or talking about it. For me, at this time, that subject is God and what He means to different people.

My thoughts of God have coincided with a time when I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing in school. I have yet to declare a major, and up until about a month ago I would have been aiming for animal science... but do I really want to screen for genetic diseases in livestock? Do I really want to discuss raising and breeding better beef cattle? Sure, I enjoy genetics, and I enjoy learning about animal science, but this is not a passion.

I would dedicate my life to horses if I thought I was going somewhere. I have always admired dressage, simply because I adore the history behind it. I am not very sure of where it's going; I cannot say I approve of some of the techniques of top trainers. In horses, there is not another sport that has the allure of dressage, and if I am not going to compete and train to FEI levels (as I had hoped), then why should I throw my life into it? Now, I cannot figure out what drove me to want to compete at such a high level of dressage. I would be happier on trails, happier out of the show ring, preferably on a large pony breed like a Haflinger or a Highland, not on a $75,000 warmblood (as lovely as some of them are).

I always figured I'd teach animal science courses once my schooling was done with, but there has to be something greater to teach than how to produce pork more efficiently. I can see going into ecology, or conservation biology, but I'm now reluctant to go in the direction of science; I'm not sure if my heart is really there. I am fascinated by certain eras of history, and this would lend itself well to teaching in high school, but would I be able to handle the politics of being a high school teacher? There must be something more. Now I'm wondering about religious studies, or perhaps psychology. Strange how God can put things into perspective.

Can't I get paid for just traveling, taking pictures, and writing all about it?

Spring in November

2008-11-06T18:05:00.000-08:00

I just got home from the barn; I'd been off for about an hour and a half, but a mare was colicking and so I decided to stay and keep her on her feet. Her name is Spring, and she was essentially abandoned by her owner a few months ago. Her owner is now in jail and now Spring is between owners (she will be going to my trainer, the barn owner).

Rafael let us know she was colicking. I hurried down to her stall and found her on her side, and I urged her up, haltered her, and began to walk her up and down the aisle. My trainer cued me to bring her up, and Spring got a shot. I went off to supervise a lesson girl warming up, and then I had to take on Spring again. I walked her and she seemed to be doing better; the shot was working. I put her in her stall and watched, sitting on Kirby's tack trunk and jumping up as soon as I saw Spring's wither's dip down into a roll. I sat for about an hour, Kirby nudging my back through his window in his stall, me getting up every ten minutes to get Spring up.

Eventually it got too dark to see her clearly, and I realized I just had to trust that someone would catch her before anything bad happened. I am just crushed by this horse's situation; sick without an owner to look after her and baby her. Now that she's going to be my trainer's, I know she'll have a new start and she'll go to a nice home. I just hope she does alright tonight.

Anyway, I got to the barn around eight, as usual, and I was immediately put to work figuring out computer things; sending pictures to advertise the horses for sale, sending pictures so that they may be added to the barn website.

Once in the barn, Bloom was first on the list. I rode with a really nice lady who was on Bossa Nova, a dead quiet Arabian gelding. I think she's considering leasing Bossa Nova, which I think is lovely because the pair looked great together. This lady had an accident a few years ago and is just now re-riding. It makes me excited to see her progress because I am such a timid rider and seeing her ride makes me realize that even after a bad accident, horses just pull some people. I don't know if I'm one of those people, but I do hope so.

Anyway, Bloom was Bloom. We do much better in the round pen, but she's still a beast. I worked at a walk; she wore Apollo's bridle with a de gogue. I still had difficulties with her trying to go off on her own, but we are doing better. When I was done with her, my trainer got on her in the other arena, the one Bloom loves taking off in, and she did well. I still struggle to catch her in time, and I still struggle to correct the behavior, so my trainer is definitely ten thousand times more effective with her. I'm relieved that Bloom is getting a few hours in under my trainer; I just can't fix her myself.

I didn't do much at all today. I got Xeta ready and read a dressage test when it was Teo's turn under saddle. Then Spring went down, and that was my Thursday.

I didn't write about Monday or Tuesday, my other barn days. Monday, I was able to get away with just lunging everyone; Viena, Xeta, Kirby, and Lexi. Tuesday, I rode Bloom on the line in the big arena, and then I worked her in the round pen (she was in her pelham on Tuesday). I then lunged Miss Xeta, and then I had a lovely ride on Kirby, including some canter work.

After lunch, my two little lesson students came out. They were each lunged on Bloom. The first girl did an absolutely lovely job of keeping Bloom away from me (she tends to come in when on the lunge, especially with a rider on her). The second girl just wanted to talk mostly. She did some trot, but we had to keep stopping because Bloom came in. They both need more lunge work, so it will be the same routine next Tuesday.

Poor Teo had been neglected all morning, so I lunged him while my trainer taught a lesson. He was weightless on the other side; I've never felt such perfect contact with a horse. I love seeing him move, especially when he's under saddle performing half pass and such.

Today my trainer was on him and they were going around the dressage court, and they would half pass around the lawn chairs on their way around. Dressage has its roots in the military; a good dressage horse is a good war horse. I can really see it sometimes with Teorema, especially today as he evaded chairs with agile, swinging strides to the side. The Lusitano is considered a Baroque breed, meaning it stems from war horses used during the Middle Ages. My inner history fan adores looking at the Lusitanos and picturing them in scenes of warfare.

Essentially, that's been my barn week thus far. I've been having a lot of thoughts about horses and if they'll stay in my life, but that's something for another blog. After all of the computer work today, I'm sick of typing.

More than anything, ...

2008-11-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

... I want to, eventually, get to the point where I can step out of my front door and be surrounded by pine trees and hills.

My husband will be...

2008-11-02T20:58:00.000-08:00

Passionate about something real. I want him to be so fascinated by a subject, so driven by something, that he would not be him without it.

A Christian. No matter what conclusions I reach about my own beliefs, I don't think I can be sturdy without a partner with a strong faith in God.

Just as fond as uncivilized places as I am. He'll agree that there's nothing better than a tiny home in the middle of nowhere.

Uninterested in money. It won't drive him. We'll want just enough to be comfortable, and on that note...

Into living minimally. Because all of those material things don't matter.

A teacher and a student, so we're both always learning.

Accepting, because sometimes I cry when I don't need to (or want to), and sometimes I say things that don't make sense, and sometimes I cannot resist the urge to do something strange.

Willing to be a father. Someday, maybe.

A musician. Someone that can sing me songs and play guitar preferred, but drummers accepted.

Interested in travel. When we die of old age, I want to be satisfied that we've seen all that we wanted to see.

A fan of books. Especially classics.

Just as fond as me as I am of him. We will get angry and frustrated, but in the end, the conflict will be insignificant because, in the end, it doesn't matter.

Willing to spend a few hours with me, so that we never forget why we're together and so that we never take our marriage for granted.

My best friend, and my partner in everything, through everything.

Am I the only one...

2008-11-02T19:26:00.000-08:00

... that will swoon over paintings that feature clouds crafted with a wonderful sense of light, but will overlook the real sky at those times of day when its especially brilliant?

Forgot to mention...

2008-11-02T19:19:00.000-08:00

I went to the barn on Saturday and lunged Lexi and Bloom. Bloom was feeling exceptionally lazy, and the weather is still very exciting to Lexi. I was going to ride Bloom, but Darbee, the ex racing Thoroughbred, was in the round pen. I took this, along with the on and off heavy rain, as a sign that Bloom didn't need to be ridden that day (I would have felt better with my trainer there anyway).

How appropriate...

2008-10-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

M. Scott Peck

It's amazing how nicely this quotation goes along with what I've been going through lately.

Alan Watts...

2008-10-30T19:19:00.001-07:00

... is giving me something to think about.

Bloom Revisited

2008-10-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

Note to self: Do remember that you arrived at about 8:15 and worked until about 4:30.

I rode Bloom today, and she took off three or four times to the hay. She really got the best of me today. We spent a long time on her, and after my morning ride I was told to tie her and make her wait.

I helped a darling lady get Kirby ready for her lesson, and then I watched her and her friend ride. Kirby's scrawny thoroughbred neck looks funny even when he's collected.

Once these ladies were through, I bridled Bloom once more and went into the big round pen where there would be no hay for her to run to. We did better, but I still had to do lots of correcting. This time again, she was in a pelham with a slightly twisted mouthpiece. The chain really helped, but she's still a strong horse. If the pelham fails us, we'll try a curb.

I ended on a good note with Bloom and put her away, planning to get her out again later so I could ride in a lesson with some of my trainer's lesson kids. In the mean time, I decided to lunge Lexi.

Lex is not enjoying the change of weather. She spooks frequently. She's excessively hot. I got frustrated with her today because she was acting like a maniac and her rider-to-be is a six year old girl. The idea of that girl on Lexi as the horse is now scares me, so I'll be working Lexi more often than I have been. I do not want that girl getting hurt when she finally graduates from lesson ponies to her own horse.

When Lex was through, I helped a lesson girl get Xeta ready. She was going to learn how to lunge a horse, and she even got to ride Xeta. She said Xeta's really smooth, and I'm sure of it. The mare looks like a dream when she moves.

I got Bloom and Guy ready for the last lesson of the day, but lightning overhead changed our plans. I blanketed them, put them away, and wiped down the rain soaked saddles. Afterwards, I went down the aisles blanketing horses as they ate. I love the barn in the winter; I can think of very few things that make me feel as good as putting a warm, heavy blanket on a horse spotted with rain drops as he eats.

2008-10-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

"It is beyond my power to induce in you a belief in God. There are certain things which are self proved and certain which are not proved at all. The existence of God is like a geometrical axiom. It may be beyond our heart grasp. I shall not talk of an intellectual grasp. Intellectual attempts are more or less failures, as a rational explanation cannot give you the faith in a living God. For it is a thing beyond the grasp of reason. It transcends reason. There are numerous phenomena from which you can reason out the existence of God, but I shall not insult your intelligence by offering you a rational explanation of that type. I would have you brush aside all rational explanations and begin with a simple childlike faith in God. If I exist, God exists. With me it is a necessity of my being as it is with millions. They may not be able to talk about it, but from their life you can see that it is a part of their life. I am only asking you to restore the belief that has been undermined. In order to do so, you have to unlearn a lot of literature that dazzles your intelligence and throws you off your feet. Start with the faith which is also a token of humility and an admission that we know nothing, that we are less than atoms in this universe. We are less than atoms, I say, because the atom obeys the law of its being, whereas we in the insolence of our ignorance deny the law of nature. But I have no argument to address to those who have no faith."

- Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

Great is...

2008-10-28T20:41:00.001-07:00

... playing Willie Nelson's "Always on My Mind" while Tyler has an affectionate moment with Muffin, pomeranian extraordinaire.

Runaway Blooms

2008-10-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

I was advised to start journaling about all I've been doing with horses. So today I will begin.

I was lunging Bloom, a bossy (and, today, bucking, galloping) Haflinger mare, by 8:20 this morning. I was on by probably 8:50. Bloom was having a very active morning. I was lunged on her. Experienced her canter. It was extremely fast, in comparison to what I'm used to (amazingly balanced dream boat of a thoroughbred).

And then I was off the lunge. I was asked to canter, and she did her "I'm Bloom and I'm choosing where we're going" head turn. She skipped over the dressage arena. She took off outside the indoor arena. I'm really not strong enough to pull the inside rein and get her back in shape. I struggled. My trainer hopped on for a bit, and then I got on again.

She behaved for a moment, and then hopped out of the arena again. My instructor handed me a crop. I hit her every time I had to pull her into a circle. She had some bucking fits. By the end of it all she was walking quietly on a loose rein, trotting 20 meter circles.

And then I vacationed on Kirby, previously mentioned dream-boat Thoroughbred. I'm still working on keeping him collected. My canter experience was great. I was a little sad when my trainer asked me to dismount.

Had lunch. Afterwards, I felt bad for Zeke because Bonito keeps charging at him. Yes, there's a fence between them, but Zeke still gets nervous. I got to see some of his lesson with his owner, and they seem to be doing well. While they were doing that, I lunged Xeta, who decided a gallop sounded nice.

By the time I was finished, it was about two, and so I started getting the scruffy pony Donny ready for a lesson with a seven year old girl I'm teaching. We did lots of trotting. She showed me what she learned of her dressage test, and I gave her some patterns to do. We mainly focused on figure eights. Her lesson ran late because we were both having so much fun. We'll work on diagonals next week. The figure eight excersizes will be more demanding then.

Donny got used in another lesson afterwards, this one with a five year old girl. I mostly let the girl do her own thing; it's hard to teach a sport to a five year old. She walks over ground poles, she trots. She's slowly getting the idea of "rising" trot. She seems to be happy with whatever she's doing, and Donny's a patient guy, so I just let her go. She had to stop every couple of minutes to collect her stirrups again because she doesn't keep her heels down just yet. She also needs to work on keeping her hands low and quiet, but there's another lesson for that. The only problem is that she has two lessons a month.

And that was pretty much my nine hours at the barn. My trainer says I should be really proud of what I accomplished with Bloom, but I have mixed feelings. When I dismounted, she said, "Congratulations, you're a horse trainer." I'll feel better when Bloom is responsive at all times. Then I might feel like a horse trainer.

Black Fairy Tales

2008-10-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

I refuse to feel bad for skipping tracks that don't fulfill my needs at a certain moment in time.

Jazz

2008-10-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

... makes for the best kind of soundtrack when one is swimming in thought.

Namely, "Romain" by Bill Evans and Jim Hall.

A habit to form

2008-10-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

Laying on the floor for a new perspective of the room.

Not too often that the perspective loses its newness, however.

Even at my best....

2008-10-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

I had a lapse. I forgot to live in the now.

I thought of work tomorrow and a future without him.

I raced ahead to the point where I'd finally make The Decision. One outcome would be lose-lose, and the other would be win-win, because even if he leaves I'd still never feel alone.

Rather than take comfort in the idea of the positive result of The Decision, I focused on the lose-lose scenario. I imagine if that were to happen I'd feel more alone than ever. It would effectively end two relationships.

I'm beginning to feel that one of those relationships is so neglected that now is the only time to really save it, and if I save it, I'd have all the strength in the world. It would restore something lost to me long ago.

But I'm so ignorant of what this relationship could mean...

At this moment...

2008-10-26T17:32:00.000-07:00

I can feel no sadness about being myself, even if I do end up alone. I don't think I've ever noticed how yellow the house is across the street with sunlight splashing over it.

Birds

2008-10-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning, I walked into the front room and was astounded by how clearly I could hear the birds.

I'd been having restless nights. I'd wake up and think for a while, and I always ended up in tears before I fell asleep again.

I took the bird song this morning as a good omen.

Finding the note from my mother stating that the kitchen windows were open for the sake of airing out the house failed to change my feelings about the never-ending songs.

Sage

2008-10-25T12:43:00.000-07:00

The other day, on the way home from the college, I was thinking aloud to Trevor. I said that I didn't think animals really feared death the way humans do. I felt animals weren't capable of wondering what happened after death, and so death typically wasn't on their minds (unlike man). Animals ate and mated and ran from danger out of instinct, but they could not fathom the idea of death. Only man can.

It was for this reason I sometimes wished I was an animal. Or, rather, a lesser animal. I think about death far too often.

Towards the end of my thinking aloud session, I said, "I think they know better." Trevor didn't know what I meant by this. I couldn't really explain what I meant by this, not at the time anyway. It contradicted what I had said earlier about animals not having the ability to think about death. It contradicted everything I believed in.

It went back to St. Thomas Aquinas's Natural Law Theory. There are three realms of existence: Man, Nature, and the Divine. Man was at the bottom, Nature at the middle, and the Divine taking its proper place at the top. Nature would always be one step closer to divinity than man.

They didn't need to fear death.
They knew better.

Chasing pavements

2008-10-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

It's funny how a traumatic night can encourage one to do something they haven't done since third grade.

In my case, praying.

Palin

2008-08-29T17:21:00.001-07:00

How can you be a pro-life feminist?

Whoa.

2008-08-15T19:22:00.001-07:00

Time to start blogging again, maybe? I've been really thinking of doing it consistently, but I always say that, don't I? I really do need an outlet for all of my horse related thoughts, as I'm sure the significant other is sick of it all.

Anyway, I decided to post after reading this blog by a favorite, Fugly Horse of the Day. Basically, the city council of Hickman, Nebraska, are harassing a 76 year old man because they don't want his 32 year old horse living in town anymore, event though the horse was born on the property and has been there before they changed around the zoning laws. Fugly does a much better job of going through the details, so it's advisable to check her entry out for more information.

I'm apalled by the behavior of the city council. Most horses are dead by 32; let this guy live his final year or so. They're trying to evict a 76 year old man. I can think of many non-horse people that would find this absolutely disgusting. I love that the horse's owner has no plans of moving. He'll be paying $100 a day for every day after September 15th, but he would still rather stay and make sure his animal dies in peace.

How on earth can a city get away with robbing an old man?

And on a completely unrelated note, I'm a little disappointed that Anky van Grunsven scored so well in team dressage despite not halting for a salute at the end of her test. The commentator even joked about how she never stops for a salute at the end of her tests. I feel it's a bit tacky to not show some respect to the judges in a sport that is supposed to be so refined and elegant.

Whatever, at least the Germans got gold.

Monogamy and such...

2008-03-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

I think it's a tad lame to just throw a link up on blogs, but I thought this was pretty interesting. I can't seem to help my interest in this sort of thing (I love linking human sexuality to its more primitive origins, even if the significant other hates me for it), and this paragraph really caught my attention:

"As the sociobiologist Robert Trivers first pointed out in 1972, and as subsequent theoretical and empirical research has shown, males tend to follow a "mixed reproductive strategy," whereby they establish a mateship with a designated female (and perhaps assist in nest building, territorial defense, care of the young, and so forth insofar as those activities increase their reproductive success) while also making themselves available for E.P.C.'s with other females, whom they will not assist."

Sounds like a marriage to me.

This is all a part of my attempt to give up on my excessively romantic and idealistic views of love and marriage. It's a very slow process, but I feel I'll be better off once I've accepted that I'll be cheated on once or twice in my lifetime.

Hell, maybe I'll become a swinger.

Just quickly...

2008-01-23T22:04:00.000-08:00

I need to start doing this when I'm not actually tired.

Anyways, this is genius.

As is this.

And I think I love this.

And there are so many things I should be writing about...

No energy.

2008-01-22T21:28:00.000-08:00

I was actually going to put some effort into this blog, use references and refer to articles and think thinky thoughtful thoughts as I rambled on about my stance on this or that issue. I just don't have the energy. Today was horrific.

I don't think I'll go into details about the horrors of today. This blog will not resort to whining about a MIA friend and teacher. There will be other, whinier blogs for even whinier days later on. I've already wasted too much space whining.

I can't help it.

I'm good at it.

Anyway, Svendsen, super conservative statistics teacher, makes it a point to ask us about current events before we get started on the actual school work. Every once in awhile, he'll share an article with us. Today he took something from the Modesto Bee. I've yet to discover the article on the website; if I had, I'd give a link. Failure on my part.

ANYWAY, this particular article was about students protesting abortion. I am immediately alarmed by the word "student" used here. I assume most young people are a bit more progressive than previous generations (generations of closet mysogynists). That said, I am an idealistic fool. For some reason, my mind likes to block out the girls in the anti-abortion shirts that stalk about the campus as if completely unaware of what they're wearing. Yes, an idealistic fool.

According to Svendsen (he never lets us actually get at the articles; he is a greedy, article hoarding Republican), the piece implied--or explicitly stated, with stats to back it up--that the younger generation is decidely pro-life. Old pro-choicers aren't as vocal as they used to be. Disturbing.

I'm thinking back to my freshman year now. I'm thinking back to the day I was sitting in Art I, listening to conversations because I didn't have friends in that class. I remember an abortion debate springing up, mostly because a pair of girls (the type that will grow up only to produce children and be divorced by their husbands) were talking quite loudly about how abortion is murder.

These oblivious girls will be voting some day, if they can get permission from their husbands.

[This could be stronger, but I am so weak after today. I've been angry.]

Doing it all over again...

2008-01-21T13:53:00.000-08:00

I've created a blog. [cue panic]

I know I never really keep up with blogs, and when I have one I only seem to post once a week. But maybe it'll be a little different this time around.

If you're looking to blame this blog on something, blame it on:

1. My failure at writing recently, and thus
2. My panicky "OHMYGOD YOU SHOULD WRITE MORE SO YOU DON'T FAIL SO BAD" feelings and
3. My urge to ramble about things I find interesting.

This blog may also be home to rants and tirades because I've opened my eyes a little wider lately. I'm noticing things. For once. And posts may actually have to do with, gasp, horses. Things that I like. I never felt comfortable blogging about them because I knew no one would really be interested. But this is for me.

So I'm blogging.